One of the most savage defensive plays in the NBA is the blocked shot. Better known as _the rejection_. For the uninitiated, a player (on offense) will try to shoot the basketball. And they wait for that _swoosh_. Unfortunately, a defensive player is there to greet them. And swat that sh** away from the basket. The entire act is a beautiful mix of prowess, power and self-confidence. Which is why a rejection is usually accompanied by some primal celebratory act. And if you’re a product of the ’90s, it doesn’t get any better than __Dikembe Mutombo’s finger wagging.__ [![Rejected Atlanta Hawks GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY](/images/blog/giphy.gif)]() The simple act of waving a finger would say: > My house. My rules. As we navigate the uncertainty of changing economic headwinds, post-pandemic “normalcy” and the ever increasing competing demands on our time – one thing has become crystal clear. __People are exhausted.__ And one of the biggest drivers is the head-on collision between a _lets-hop-on-a-Zoom_ world and _everyone-wants-to-hang-IRL_ world. Which means you need Mutombo-like superpowers in setting boundaries. With out them, you’ll die a thousand deaths courtesy of Zoom calls. But if you’re a people-pleaser who fears rejection – setting boundaries can feel impossible. Here’s a masterclass in setting boundaries with confidence and grace. ## Let’s set the stage I recently moderated an event with a guest speaker, whom we’ll call _Pink_. An email exchange lead to the inevitable why not _hop-on-a-Zoom_ to coordinate the logistics of the event. After all, Zoom is so easy and frictionless. So why not? But there were a few rubs. First, the event was unpaid. Which makes _the opportunity cost_ of a prep call quite high. Sure, everyone wants an event to go smoothly, but a speaker like _Pink_ also needs to value and protect their time. I’m often the speaker in that situation and__I just cave.__ I feel bad. I want everyone to feel happy. And I’m conflict-avoidant. And 99.9% of the time since I don’t speak up – I enter the prep call [oozing with resentment](). So let’s look at _Pink’s response_ : ![Blog post image](/images/blog/orig-1024x1014.png) This is __a respectful “no”__ that sets firm boundaries. It lays out a foundational principle (_I don’t do prep calls for free events_) and gives a very valid response (_I’ve got other more important priorities right now_). So simple. Yet so hard to do. ## Offer a solution But the email doesn’t stop there. Pink’s colleague goes on to reassure the moderator (me) and the organizer with a simple truth: > We got this. Trust us. Once again, if you’ve done any public speaking, you know that fireside chats are quite low-touch. Public speakers – by definition – can _turn it on_ and woo a crowd with stories, factoids and laughs. It’s their job! Here’s the reassurance in the same message: ![Blog post image](/images/blog/orig-1-1024x1014.png) Not to mention a little flattery (_You got this, Khe_) can go a long way. Again, this reassurance tells the organizers that you have nothing to worry about. Which means a lot when you’re saying no. ## Be firm The next part of the email is where we see the Mutombo finger wave. Again, with respect and grace, Pink says (paraphrase): > Now that we’ve established this – please remove me from the thread. I’m no longer necessary. ![Blog post image](/images/blog/orig-2-1024x1014.png) Once again, it’s respectful yet direct. And gives us the ability to say “ok” or not ok. ## Why is this so hard Being on the receiving end of this email, I said to myself: > Man, when will I have the chutzpah to write an email like this? Analyzing [my own 5 Whys](), I’ve learned that I have some deep-seated fears. I’m afraid of being perceived as _a bad_ person. Because if I’m bad, I’ll be rejected, unloveable and alone. But at the same time, I frigging [created $10K Work]() – and _should_ understand [leverage](), [boundaries]() and [priorities](). $10K Work is fine and dandy. But it’s all in the head. Those deeper fears – __they live in the heart.__ Which makes them act “irrationally.” Yet, this email was a beautiful teachable moment. And it gave me a wonderful opening for self-reflection. And about that event? Well, it was flawless. Which we always knew it would be. ## You may enjoy * [Should you work harder in a recession?]() * [Why you shouldn’t outsource 100% of your life]() * [How to avoid the envy trap]()